Saturday, May 1, 2010

My Thoughts:

There are a couple of things going through my head right now, so this may be long and cut up into sections. I am going to try and keep it organized, but I can not make any promises. 

First off, I need to apologize for not posting a single inch of anything yesterday. I am truly sorry, but things have truly been crazy for me. I am still around and Mr. Man is not here yet. You will definitely know when he has made it in. 

School has been crazy for me lately. It has  been so annoying and frustrating that sometimes I want to throw my Math book across the room and cry like a baby. I can not seem to sit still, focus, and get the job done. I have so much on my mind and school is the last. I am getting the job done, but I have to do it in spurts, which makes it 20 times more frustrating and takes up my whole day. Soon this will be over, I will get my break, and we will be in Italy! Keep the positive thoughts rolling in....

I am well aware that patience is the key to life, but sometimes when you want something, patience is not in the essence. True or not true? Very true, especially in my case. It seems everything revolves around Mr. Man now. I do not want to miss a call telling me he is on his way. I do not want to miss an email of him telling me how much he loves me, misses me, can not wait to be home, etc. etc. Before my life did not revolve around this. I could not allow it to because I had so much going on. But now it does! It does because I lose sleep, I have minor major anxiety attacks, I have very realistic dreams.. dreams that I never want to wake up from and if I do, I want it to be truly happening, Mr. Man to really be right there. In these dreams, I fight with myself about waking up because I know it's a dream, but I enjoy it too much. I have to clean, I have to mow, I have get groceries, I have to fold clothes, I have to do all this for Mr. Man. All for his arrival. All for him to be happy. All for him to not have to worry about doing any of this when he first gets home. It is exhausting! Exhausting is an understatement, really. 

I am Exhausted!
I am exhausted, and this is exhausting, but I would not trade it for the world. Knowing this feeling, knowing what it will  be like the moment we lay eyes on each other. It is exhausting emotionally and physically. I just would not trade this long, exhausting week for anything else. Truly, I would not

I mentioned this exhaustion to Mr. Man a couple days ago.  I told him the things that have been happening, the things that I have been feeling, the dreams I have been having (sort of), and he says "you are exhausted, ha!" Ok, Mr. Man, I understand you are lacking sleep, ready to be home, and exhausted from PT testing. I get it, but how about you try being in my shoes for once? Try not knowing what is going on and having to play it by ear. Try wanting everything to be perfect, clean, in its spot before you get home. Try planning the perfect getaways, the perfect day trips, the perfect family time with no interrupting us. Try it, just once. I dare you! (Insert a big smile!) 

Now, I know he has a hard job. I know he works 7 days a week, 12 to 14 hours a day. I get it. Trust me, I do. I know he works hard. I know he has a tough job. I know he has to share everything with other men. I know he wants to be home, he wants to sleep with me, he wants to do "hot dogs" with me and our baby boy. I know, and I do not want to experience any of that myself, but I do want him to understand that it is hard being here, too. (And I am sure he does--too an extent.)

Lately, I think about Mr. Man coming home, I tear up. I day dream about him being by my side, I tear up. I think about us seeing each other for the first time, I tear up. I think about laying on the double hammock with our baby boy and BBQing outside, I tear up. I think about him laying on the side of me in our bed, I tear up. I picture us snuggled up on the couch together watching a movie, and I tear up. I take a shower, I think of him turning my water to cold while I am in it, I tear up. I think about me cooking dinner in the kitchen and him coming behind me and pulling down my pants, me getting angry, then laughing, I tear up. All this and I have to tell myself to snap out of it. Really, Mrs. Ma'am, just snap out of it. Let me just tell you that the last few times he has left and came back, I never have experienced this. I have never cried, never had a full day (or week) where I just cried or everything made me teary eyed, never! This go 'round I have not cried once at the fact that he is gone, he is away, and he will be gone for a while, never.

I did; however, warn him of my emotional breakdown. I told him about my small episodes, and he would just laugh and tell me to calm down. Then I asked him if he thought he would cry because he has before, and he told me he did not know. So I just told him to be prepared for an emotional hysterical breakdown. He told me he thought that it would calm over once he got here, which could be true, but we still need to be prepared for my womanly nonsense.
His Welcome Home Sign:
His welcome home sign that I blogged about here is finished. It's completed! It is so cute. I have not had to opportunity take a picture of it, but I will. I also ended up doing a yard sign for him, too. It just says "We Missed You!" with some flowers, hearts, and "Welcome Home" at the bottom. Plain simple, but to the point. I will try to post pictures sometime soon. (Don't hold me to it!)

Italy is planned. I got many confirmation emails between Thursday night and Friday. I was stoked when I saw those emails. It was a relief to see that, to realize that in just 28 short days we will be in Italy. We will be traveling. Our dreams will come true. Now, that is just as exciting as him coming home... Ok, I lie. Of course, him coming home is a gazillion times more exciting. But you get the point (I hope). 

Last, but not least. I saw that many of you commented on my other post stating that you would "put your jealousy aside to be excited for me." Honestly, I am thankful for that.  I really did debate on even blogging about homecoming and the events leading up to it because I know how it feels. I know it sucks to see this. I know I have only been through a 4 month deployment and a 6 month deployment. Sometimes I feel guilty for even being upset about him being away or needing the support because I am very lucky blessed. I know that there is other military members, both friends and family, that go for a year at a time or longer, never see their child's birth, and so much more. I never really experienced this before, but Mr. Man had also never been to Afghanistan or any other "dangerous" area before this time. This experience really is bittersweet. Yes, Mr. Man is coming home. Yes, I am very happy, very excited. I am thankful to have gotten this opportunity. But there is so much more to this. If Mr. Man comes home, my friend's husbands are going to replace him. My friends have to go through what I went through, and I do not want that for them. My experience "wasn't so bad" because I am so independent and I do not have kids. I could be on any schedule, do my own thing. Almost all my friends do not take it as lightly as me, do have children, do have to be strong for others, which in turn breaks them down. Not me, I could do what I please. I just wish that all our guys (and girls) could home all at the same time and be home forever.



  1. No matter how long or short a deployment is its still a deployment and I dont think any military spouse has it in them to resent anyone else's homecoming. Instead, I think it should be taken as a sign of encouragement that more couples have got through it safely to the end. I think that post is perfect, the best day will be when everyone is home forever.

  2. Back when I was still married to DBD ~ he was activated and stationed in California for two years. We followed him but ended up 50 miles from base so he mainly came home on weekends. Then, just when he was about to complete his service; they stoploss'd him and sent him to Iraq. It all happened so fast without any warning. So, the kids and I got left in Calfornia with no family around while their dad was on the other side of the world. It was hard and stressful and I lost 30 pounds and looked like a skeleton because of all the stress and worry and the not-knowing. But I survived and so will you. A military wife's job is very hard but they have support groups made by other wives ~ have you checked those out? Stay strong; everything will be okay!


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